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1 year with Cancer

I was diagnosed with stage 3 grade 3 Triple Negative Breast cancer at the age of 33 , I went through 20 rounds of chemotherapy two surgeries, a shit load of meds an the amputation of both my breast traumatic to say the least . 


Let's talk about cancer, shall we? It's like the ultimate party crasher. You're just living your life, minding your own business, and then BAM! Cancer shows up uninvited and ruins everything. Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I was incredibly shallow. I was obsessed with my appearance and always striving to live up to the model image I had created for myself. I even dreamed of posing for Playboy one day. But after a double mastectomy, I am now so self-conscious that I can hardly recognize myself.


It took me almost a month to look down at my chest after the surgery. I cried and cried for hours in the bathroom, wondering how this could be happening to me. I had always been so confident in my body, and now I felt like a stranger in my own skin.They say that the stage I am at is the hardest, and it took me months to write this post. As time goes on, I can look at my "foobs" (fake boobs) that are still very uncomfortable .I mean, come on, I've fed my daughter for two years with these breasts. My husband watched them develop from every stage, from 16 until now. I've flashed and posed nude with these boobs, the ones that were cut off because they were trying to kill me! The girls I had so much fun with did me dirty so dirty.


Having cancer and being a young adult is like watching everyone else on Instagram and Facebook living their best lives while you're stuck in your own pandemic. Everything changed in such little time.It's like your world stopped but everyone else's just keeps rolling. I'm coming up on my 1 year of cancer diagnosis, and it's like, did I really go through that? Do I really not have breasts now? I've just been flowing with the motions, but this time has been the darkest times.


Looking at myself in the mirror is by far the hardest thing to do. Trying to get to know this new person I am is like trying to learn a new language. I'm not going to lie and say I love my body now because I hate it. I hate what cancer has done to me. But you know what? I am proud of her. She's so strong, stronger than I ever thought I could be. I'd like to hate on her an thank her at the same time.Breast cancer has changed me in ways I never could have imagined. It has forced me to confront my own mortality and to re-evaluate what is truly important in life, & its not the boobs I had.


So, to all the other cancer survivors out there, keep fighting. Keep laughing. Keep making jokes, even if they're dark. We've been through hell and back, and we're still here. We may not be the same person we were before, but we're still here, and that's something to be proud of.


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before cancer.....

Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I was incredibly shallow. I was obsessed with my appearance and always striving to live up to the model image I had created for myself. I even dreamed of posing for Playboy one day. But after a double mastectomy, I am now so self-conscious that I can hardly recognize myself. It took me almost a month to look down at my chest after the surgery. I cried and cried for hours in the bathroom, wondering how this could be happening to me. I had always been so confident in my body, and now I felt like a stranger in my own skin. As a mother, I struggled with how to teach my daughter to be confident when I was struggling so much myself. How could I tell her to love herself when I didn't even recognize myself anymore? I was grateful for my surgeon's skilled hands and for getting the cancer out, but I hated the results. When people say that a mastectomy is not a boob job, they are right. The scars and the fact that I will never have sensation again at 34

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