Friends during Cancer I had none

  Haven't  had a friend during this  journey with me I didn't have that friend that came over an we watched movies on my couch all night or that friend that just facetimed me I intentionally told people I care about my diagnosis so they wouldn't hear or see it online . I told my friends assuming I would receive support , an they would rally behind me . That shit did not happen for me , I told them an then that was it. I told these people even after , not one of them attended my fathers memorial not one called me or text me so I don't know why I thought this situation would be any better but as time goes on I realized that the friendships I thought was important the relationship I put on this pedestal didn't do the same for me. I know , I know people have lives shit I get it , but if you cant be there for me in my darkest times then I don't really want to be with you or around you when I'm good. It hurt me for a while but now its like I know what it is. I'm not saying that im not longer friends with people but were just on different paths .

 When Doug went to work I was home alone, usually sick on the couch watching law n order , smoking my blunts. Laila would be with my mom until Doug got off .  At times I wish I did have friends there for me I wish I at least had one friend, I got text from people but that doesn't mean anything. Ive been completely alone during this time I know, some people may think well why didn't you call me an let me know you wanted somebody there but why should I do that ? I mean a person tells me they have cancer a person I care about I would want to be there. Some one said to me well everytime I hit you up you told me you was okay you was good, but what the fuck am I suppose to say? I'm throwing up out my ass an my mouth? huh am I suppose to say I can barely walk cant keep nothing down what do you want? Exactly my point I realized that I don't really have friends that care about me or our relationship and thats ok this journey has taught so much its taught me that I can overcome anything by myself that I don't need any friends or at least close friends . Ive noticed the friends I jumped for an supported an was there for everything wasnt there for me. My father died an not a soul was there to pat me on my back I went to several friends family members funerals an no they didn't tell me to go they didn't invite me I went because thats what good people they support their friends they are there for their friends.

As I'm recovering from, surgery an cancer I reflect on the time I couldn't even be with my daughter for more than two hours alone. Not one friend said hey I can pick Laila up I can help with that not one friend did that just family. SO when I see shows and movies an portraying that bullshit narrative its fucking annoying its like really ? Do these fucking writers even have a friend with cancer ? do they really know what it is to have cancer or know someone close with cancer.

The only reason why people did hit me up is because I posted videos and pictures on social media if I would have not done that not one person would have contacted me. Mind you I told people personally I had cancer an people said weird shit to me like " I didn't think it was that bad" honey are you serious? when is CANCER good? when is having cancer a good thing ? please tell me lol. I don't think there's any point in telling these people how bad they did me during my hardest time . Im not wasting my time any more wasting my conversations . I appreciate the people I met throughout this journey the people who understand what I feel an where im coming from.  I didn't post to get attention I posted because I wanted to share my story , I wanted to tell the world about my situation I wanted to meet an talk too other women in my situation because I had no one to talk too about it. Although some people may say oh jeanelle you never talk you never spill the beans yea your right but , its because most of the time it was late , it was too late to talk about how I felt because like I said everyone only hit me up when they saw my post so what's really the post its the caption how I feel how I felt shit you can kind of google how it feels to have cancer. Can you imagine living with cancer ? at 33 watching everybody's go on, an your just stuck? STUCK AS FUCK ! Can you imagine ? 

I see other people that have cancer with there friends with them at treatment doing tik toks  an here I am mounting my own phone , just me an Doug . I love him for that because he won't leave my side  but you know it would be better for him to get a little break sometimes I feel bad sometimes that I don't have a. friend or just a better support system. People would text me an say I just want to see you but honestly just show up.

don't come to my party when I'm good but when I was fucked up , you wasnt there. My grandmother came from Puerto Rico on my birthday to help with my daughter she stayed for three months thats appreciated , she came two weeks after I started treatment. NO body even bothered to see me for my birthday while I was going through chemotherapy. But I'm not talking about family, thats expected .... 

The friends I thought I had, I lost my grandma , my dad , got cancer lost three teeth, my hair, my finger nails an toe nails the shit I went through I don't think anyone I was ever cool with could do without complaining it everyday on Facebook. 

Be there for your people ,

show up for your people

when someone tells you they have cancer figure out a plan so you can support them , the life they was had is never going to be the same again be there,