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Mastectomy Blues

 Can you believe I have two weeks with my breast !! My breast they look so normal like nothing is wrong with them but yet the left almost killed me . I made a huge decision an Im so so scared of the outcome of my new normal an new reality of no longer having breast . 

Going through Chemotherapy was the most difficult thing I have ever been through I am so weak most of the time. Today I feel like myself just little sad because I have just two weeks left with my breast I wanted a goodbye dinner or something lol. I don't know it really seems unreal , yea having cancer being bald an all in unreal but shit my boobs! ! damn dog I just decided not to try an save it an give myself the best options I just want to see my daughter grow old. I just want to be there an if that means letting go of my boobs then I have too. My boobs just they've just always been there you know . Maybe I am bugging maybe I'm overthinking everything . its not like this an actual boob job, I won't have nipples I won't have them. I think about me being 34 me being young an maybe I can save it but what if . I mean reality it can still come back either way no one is GOD. 

Yesterday. I felt joy. !!!! I was happy to tell my news happy to express how I was feeling happy to say that I'm one step closer to being CANCER FREE an BOOB FREE . Today im sad today im mourning my boobs, today I mourn them. Tomorrow is a different story I guess I should be entitled to these feelings I guess I mean I've been through all this shit !!!! this is so traumatic. To think so many surgeries after this one , the recovery. process . My mind is just going the thoughts .......... Then I have people asking me what's next? what's next after this ? huh? 

Can I fucking rest? Can I sit down an think please can I get use to this person staring back at me in the mirror please? can you please look at my life an what I have been through can I get an actual pause please? Or no back to normal life like nothing ever happened? Work a regular job? do regular things? Just move on? How can people be so insensitive towards one another? maybe they just don't know , they don't know they won't ever know unless its them.

I didn't know who or what I wanted to do before this. I still don't but I do it just seems so far fetched from my reality , how can I ever make an living doing what I love ? How can this happen for me? I want that for me I want to write an tell my stories I want my daughter to have a good life with stable , alive, active, healthy mom . I want all these. things but I don't have anything for myself , just when I was getting my life back together boom I got cancer. I don't have money I don't have the strength to become that I want to be. I don't even know where to begin. Today I just mourn not only my breast but my life because its never going to be the same again an I need to change it I just don't know how . 


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before cancer.....

Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I was incredibly shallow. I was obsessed with my appearance and always striving to live up to the model image I had created for myself. I even dreamed of posing for Playboy one day. But after a double mastectomy, I am now so self-conscious that I can hardly recognize myself. It took me almost a month to look down at my chest after the surgery. I cried and cried for hours in the bathroom, wondering how this could be happening to me. I had always been so confident in my body, and now I felt like a stranger in my own skin. As a mother, I struggled with how to teach my daughter to be confident when I was struggling so much myself. How could I tell her to love herself when I didn't even recognize myself anymore? I was grateful for my surgeon's skilled hands and for getting the cancer out, but I hated the results. When people say that a mastectomy is not a boob job, they are right. The scars and the fact that I will never have sensation again at 34

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